An Open Letter to, err, the Data Apparatus of my Alma Mater

| July 8, 2013

Dear Apparatus,

Thank you, I received your email, “Data Verification for Alumni.” So good to hear from you. I have missed hearing about you as well. Oh, sorry, this is 73454-M903. I understand that my Important Alumni Verification is now due…sorry, what’s that you say?…oh, the Deadline is Approaching. I hope this letter reaches you in time. I realize you asked that I call, but you know how it is, things get busy. I hope you don’t mind the impersonal touch, but I’m hoping I can update everyone together. I know how you hate redundancy. Remember how, when I was filling out my HR paperwork, we just laughed and said, how about we just fill out my name and address once, and be done with it? I’m sure that worked just fine. So here’s the latest.

First off, I’m good. Thanks for asking. Hope all is well with you too.

You mentioned you were already, at least statistically, aware that my “reach is far and wide–from classroom to boardroom–and everywhere in between.” So definitely put me down for that.

You also mentioned you need all the facts necessary to paint the most complete picture of your alumni’s impact across the globe. I’m not sure what details you need, but rest assured it has been around the globe, and with lots of impacting. (Watercolor, if I might suggest, is most forgiving of the lack of detail, and particularly suited to a commemorative directory.) In any case, I’m glad you are proud of all that I have achieved, despite not knowing what that is yet. Your faith in me is what keeps me going. Err, making impacts. I will try to report back more regularly. And I know you say I too should be proud, it’s good to hear it from you, as sometimes I forget.

Along those lines, it is so sweet of you to say that, as we celebrate this 125th Anniversary, we’re really celebrating me. (Does that make me older, or you younger?) But in order to help you celebrate me better, I see that you have asked for my data participation to 1) shape our points of pride and the scope of alumni impact; 2) maintain accreditation status; 3) continue recruitment successes for your Enrollment Services team; 4) establish benchmarks for career placement; 5) get grants; 6) rank yourselves nationally.

All of that for me? You shouldn’t have. I look forward to the benchmark.

Anyway, before I run, (gotta make impacts), I just wanted to give a quick shout out to PCI. Any friend of yours is a friend of mine! PCI, can’t wait to meet. I’ve heard great things about how you produce alumni directories, and tirelessly seek to update alumni information for the purpose of encouraging alumni engagement. Is it true that your grandfather, Rocky, was the first publisher of alumni directories?! Get out of town! Anyway, please do continue to reach out to me to update my information. I’m 6’2″, by the way. Hazel. Although Hazel isn’t so much a color as a form of surrender. Remember, watercolors are the way to go.

I look forward to taking you up on that offer of my very own 125th Anniversary Alumni Directory.

Yours,

73454-M903